The Mapler sent us the following issue:

Dear Dr. Maniacal,

in an attempt to be true to the traditional ways of a super-villain and to my own heritage I always attempt to drown my arch-nemesis, Major Moose, in a vat of delicious French-Canadian maple syrup whenever I succeed in capturing him. All the while giving my insightful monologue that I have perfected by reading to myself in the mirror. Anyway that damned Major continues to escape before I can finish my delightful monologue and proceeds to yet again thwart my plans to take over Canada in the name of Quebec. How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

Stickily Yours,
The Mapler

 Your query has been answered by Doctor Maniacal.

The-Mapler

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The Hurricane sent us the following issue:

Teamwork

Superhero Help Desk,

I need your advice on how to deal with my team members. I have had enormous trouble co-ordinating effectively with them in battle due to the fact that every time I speak I create hurricane force winds. As you can imagine, this can be quite troublesome when trying to be stealthy or communicate mid-fight, and after the last time I sent Paperman flying he threatened to take me off the team. How can I remedy this situation?

Your query has been answered by Captain Extremo.

Dear The Hurricane, 

Working and communicating in a team is difficult at the best of times. I still remember when I first joined the Revenge Guard and in the beginning, in the heat of battle it was almost impossible to hear any orders at all. This was complicated further by our then leader Jagdtiger; a great leader who spoke only in German. There was no simple solution. We tried everything from learning sign language, to having a translator on the scene, but nothing helped. We were rarely close enough to see the signing and, well we really did go through an awful lot of translators…

That all changed when we hired a psychic coordinator. She would just project the orders of Jagdtiger directly into our minds which allowed us to communicate effectively and act efficiently in any situation. If you are unable to find any psychic coordinators, it may be in your best interest to invest in some kind of team neural uplink. There are risks in any brain surgery, but in the end, isn’t it just as risky creating hurricane force winds whenever you have a suggestion?

Wishing you all the best,

Captain Extremo

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Dr. It-wasn’t-me has sent us the following issue:
Legal Advice 

Dear Helpdesk,
I have recently run afoul of my personal nemesis Mr Right-As-In-Right-And-Wrong-Not-Right-And-Left (yeah I know what a stupid name, right?). He came upon me as I was going about my own business in the local bank. Granted it was after hours and yes, maybe the guard had to be ‘convinced’ to let me in, but I was doing nothing wrong. I swear it wasn’t me that broke open the vault (why would I that is what hirelings are for). And I definitely did NOT give anybody the command to grab everything they could find. However, despite all of this Mr Right gave me a right trashing and dropped me off at the local police station. Now I have been sitting in a cell for over a week, with an arm in a cast! Can you believe it, the violence these days! My trial is scheduled for next week and my question is this: Were Mr Right for no reason whatsoever (and definitely not for reasons fabricated by me) to suffer an oh so tragic accident that might or might not result in rather permanent death, what would my chances be to be released (as an innocent man should be!)? And what are the chances I can claim injury compensation from his widow (not that I am saying he will die or anything)?
Regards,
Herman It-wasn’t-me, Dr.

Your query has been answered by Diabliana


Dear Dr. It- (no, too long. I’m going to refer to you as ‘Dr. It’ from this point on. You should consider changing your name to something less infuriatingly moronic.),

In regards to your issue with Mr… you know what. I’m going to put this whole ‘legal advice’ thing on hold and give you some real advice. Dr. It, you’re a D lister. You don’t even have your own villain’s wiki. I had to dig through mounds of evil doctors to even find your name. Do you know why that is? No? Of course you don’t. Your name lacks… everything, it has no punch, and in fact it has no real merit at all. That’s why you end up with infuriatingly pedantic nemeses like Mr. I-have-a-name-that’s-longer-than-is-intelligent-to-use. 

Should any accident befall such a useless husk of a nemesis I’m sure there are many a local reporters who would consider it a great public service! Unfortunately if Mr. Right-Right-Wrong-Right-Left has filed the appropriate paper work to practice ‘high-impact’ vigilantism then there’s very little you can do to claim any compensation from his widow. Oh, I should probably add that the Superhero Help Desk does not endorse assassinations, no matter how low profile. 

Names like yours burn forever in hellfire,

Diabliana

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Sergeant Hangman has sent us the following issue:
External” Assets

I need your help in dealing with a crazy “scientist” who has decided he is my nemesis. On his own he wouldn’t be too much trouble, but of late he has been getting shipments of Super-Science goodies from Universal Engineering Incorporated, a specialist in Superhuman level technology. The guy has some kind of untouchable mega-trustfund so no matter how much material I destroy he just buys more. I can deal with the good doctor all day if I have to, but this constant stream of Super Science goodies that he and his goons are getting shipped in from the newest catalogues is getting on my nerves. I’ve looked up the company, and they are a publicly traded company, even offered to sell ME some of their merchandise! Is there any way I can get an official order to prevent them selling their kit to this guy? The Mayor here has been no help whatsoever.

Yours in Militant Justice,
Sergeant Hangman

Your query has been answered by Captain Extremo

Dear Sergeant Hangman,

I just wanted first to say that I have a deep respect for the armed forces and all of their contributions to our world today, and it is a real pleasure to see a real-life sergeant taking their stripes to the war on crime. Unfortunately when it comes to dealing with super-technological dealers, it’s next to impossible to stop them from supplying anyone who has the money to pay. It seems as though morality and business savvy do not go hand-in-hand. 

I have however spoken to one of our legal consults who assures me that you should be able to file an injunction on the supply of good under the super-weapon regulation act (or the ‘Kirby Devices Act’) of 1974, to any and all individuals with a criminal record. I guess the easiest way to deal with the “mad scientist” is to have him arrested, charged and incarcerated. Then file the injunction. Before you do that though, have you considered talking to him? Sometimes these obscenely wealthy super villains are lashing out, not of some inherent evil, but because of boredom or even depression. Is it possible that he just needs a friend? If not, the injunction should slow him down.

Your pal,

Jimmy

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The Big Dog has sent us the following issue.
“Sued by the city I saved.”

Dear Superhero Help Desk,

I recently saved the quaint coastal city of Lickskillet from yet another sea monster / space invader combo. As you know, in such situations one is more concerned with defeating the threat, than calculating how many square meters of asphalt get a little dented in the process.

The city is supposed to have a Superthreat/Superhero insurance, but they forgot to pay for a few weeks and they were not covered for the day of the “incident”.

So now that the insurance company won’t cover the damages, the Mayor suddenly canceled the parade, the thanking ceremony, and served me with a lawsuit for professional negligence and reckless behavior.

They want me to pay for everything! I haven’t got that kind of resources! Can they even do that??

Please help me, Superhero Help Desk, you’re my only hope…

Sincerely,

The Big Dog

Your query has been answered by Diabliana


Mr. Dog,

It occurs to me that these insolent whelps don’t seem to realize that without your help, their city would be ash and/or submerged. Still they would have some legal standing if you failed to fill out the standard ‘Destruction of City Property’ forms or if they refused to sign the ‘Liability Waiver for Superhero Related Damages’.

There is however a precedent that would allow you to rebuff any legal claims leveled at you by a city recently saved from destruction and/or peril. The case of “Golden Bob vs. Napalm City” is a classic example of when a city was destroyed by a superhuman conflict, but the ‘offending’ hero was free of liability due to the cost of the damages being so greatly reduced because of his actions. If you can somehow prove that your actions prevented a greater loss of and/or destruction to property, the mayor won’t have a leg to stand on.

Sincerely,

Diabliana Morningstar

Legal Director, Superhero Help Desk.

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The Embezzler has sent us the following issue.

Nobody loves me. What gives?

Your query has been answered by Wanda.

Dear Embezzler,

What do you mean nobody loves you? I’m sure you’re a wonderful and colourful person. Sure you might have some surface issues with, I’m assuming, embezzlement? But those are just small issues. Everyone has the potential to be loved, you just need to uncover what’s best about you and then find a way to share it with the world. 

What you put out there will always come back to you. And hey, if that doesn’t work, you could always try to stop embezzling, that might attract some people. I mean, if embezzling is all you do, maybe you can find a fellow embezzler, and together you two can go and embezzle the world!

Wishing you all the best,

Wanda

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Jill from Xerox has sent us the following issue.

To Whom It May Concern,

Please remove the following from all your mailing lists as they are either no longer at this location or they no longer wish to receive mailings from you.

TOM PEEKEMA
XEROX
MS 7060-630
PO BOX 1000
WILSONVILLE OR 97070-1000

Thank you,
Xerox Mail Services

 Your query has been answered by Doctor Maniacal.

This is spam! This is just spam! How in the name of all that is unscientific did this make its way to my desk? This doesn’t even have anything remotely to do with villainy! I mean really ‘Jill’, or should I call you ‘Jillbot’! Is that was spammers do now? Clog up good, honest, hardworking help desks with their inane drivel?

We don’t even have a mailing list! How did this spambot even find us? Where is Fixo! This is his department! If he doesn’t fix this, and soon, oh he’ll regret it! It’s things like this, these ‘little mistakes’ that add up to our staff quitting en masse, lest we forget the great exodus of ’99! And I never forget! Do you hear me Fixo? I never forget!

Now, with that being said, the help desk can in point of fact solve your imaginary problem, imaginary person. Ready? There, it’s solved!

Some days, I regret ever going to evil university,

Doctor Eugene Maniacal, PHD

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The Rubber Robber has sent us the following issue.

Superhero Help Desk,

I’m in trouble here guys! I didn’t do it this time, I swear! Anyway, I’m a rubber-man, if I was going to steal from a museum, I’d just change my shape to aid my escape! And why would I steal from my new job? I was going straight! This is totally unfair! I mean it! All I was doing was catching a nap in the bathroom in between mopping the floors, and then all of the alarms started to go off and the museum went in to total lockdown! 

I made my way to the security office, just like the manual said, and waited there. When Frank (the security officer) came back he grabbed me and started yelling about how he had caught me and how I was going down for this one. But I didn’t do anything! I never even wanted to steal animal themed sculptures! Why would I care about some Jade Lion? 

Look, this is my third strike, if I go down it’s without parole! I swear, I didn’t do anything, I’m not even on the cameras! Worse still, I’ve been fired. Fired! For doing nothing! If I don’t work, I’m in violation of my parole and I’ll get sent back to prison anyway!

I really need help on this one Superhero Help Desk,
Rubber Robber

Your query has been answered by Diabliana.

Dear Rubber Robber,

Calm down. If there are security cameras then surely your absence from the footage will exonerate you from any wrong doing in this instance. In short there is nothing to panic about in regards to the actual theft. Should it go to court, any defence will hinge around your arrest being entirely based on circumstantial and frankly prejudicial ‘evidence’. 

When it comes to being let go there’s nothing you can do. I’m sorry to say it’s usually within an employer’s purview to terminate employment when a staff member has been arrested for any reason. There are however steps you can take to ensure you don’t end up in violation of your parole, the simplest of which is to find a new job. I know my father is always looking for able underlings… er… employees, regardless of past histories. I’d be happy to pass along your résumé.

Yours,

Diabliana Morningstar

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Brain Box sent us the following issue:
Identity Crisis

I am a long/short term sufferer of chronic amnesia. While I am currently working with a group of heroes, or at the very least morally neutral people, I keep running in to villains who hint that they know me, and have worked with me in the past, only to escape just as I corner them to find out more. I now find myself uncertain as to what course to pursue in trying to find out more about my past. Can you provide me with any advice as to how to proceed?

Yours,

Ummm, I can’t actually remember.

Your query has been answered by Dr. Maniacal:


Dear Sir,

I have never heard of a Villain named Brain Box, and I know all of the major players. I can unequivocally tell you that no such Villain has ever existed. Nor have they ever masterminded a villainous cartel wherein they demanded upwards of 70% cut of all takings leaving the rest of us with less than 30% between us… I mean who does that…

Furthermore, I can assure you that I have never been involved in a plot to erase the memories of the aforementioned hypothetical villain after they may have insulted me for the last time. I’m sure that these cases of recognition will stop presently, it is likely that you are hallucinating and should immediately incarcerate yourself in one of those asylums for crazy villains…. I mean super-humans.

That is all,
Dr. Maniacal.

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John Ekyll has sent us the following issue:

To whom it concerns,

My name is John; I’m just a normal every day janitor… or at least I was before I took that job at Hyde and Seek Chemicals. It was a really great job, lots of overtime and hazard pay for treating with dangerous chemicals. I even got extra training and the best equipment in the business. I mean I had it so sweet I started renting a bigger apartment and bought an engagement ring for my girl. 

Anyway, last month there was this accident in the lab, some beakers broke and some chemicals spilled all over. So I was cleaning it up and the chemical-coated glass cut through my glove and pierced my finger. I thought it was serious and went to the doctor. Apparently there’s nothing wrong with me, all the blood work was normal and I was cleared to return to work. So I did.

Then the weirdest thing happened, I had this strange dream where this great grey man-beast ransacked Hyde and Seek. When I woke up, I was completely naked and in the park a few blocks away from my home. I read in the papers later that some gang of vandals had broken in to Hyde and Seek that night and wrecked the place. 

I’ve been having these dreams every night since, and every day they seem to have come true… I’ve been avoiding sleep to deal with this, and I just, I can’t deal with it any more. I haven’t slept for two days, I’m going crazy, there has to be something you can do to help. Please!

Yours, 

John Ekyll

Your query has been answered by White Noise

Dear John,

Everybody has bad dreams. You’ll be fine… or whatever. 

White Noise

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David Ferguson has sent us the following issue.
Robot For Sale.
 

I have a Giant Robot Death Machine for sale. Only 1,000 kills on the clock. Would you be interested?

Your query has been answered by Doctor Maniacal.

Dear Mr. Ferguson, 

How giant are we talking? I built a Robot Death Machine once, but I always felt it could be more giant. Mind you, I do keep loaning my mech to members of the staff… not all of them return it on time… or in good condition. I mean how difficult is it to return a Robot Death Machine? Surely it would take up space in your home! It’s not like it’s easily misplaced, and even if it was, the inbuilt GPS keeps telling me exactly where it is. It’s in your apartment! 

Ahem, sorry. Yes, Mr. Ferguson, I would be very interested in acquiring this Giant Robot Death Machine. Only 1,000 kills on the clock too? It begs the question; does it have a pre-set kill limit? If it does have a pre-set kill limit, what is it? If it doesn’t have a pre-set kill limit, what kind of fuel does it require? What kind of weapons array are included? Is it fully customisable? Does it come with a ‘Super Damage Warranty’? How much will I have to pay in WMD tax? Is it fully NCT’d? 

Please let me know as soon as possible,

Yours maniacally,

Doctor Maniacal

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El Pollo Diablo has sent us the following issue:

Dear Superhero Help Desk,

I have a big problem. I put all of my eggs in one basket. This basket was then stolen by my arch rival Senior Dorado, the great fish themed thief. While usually this wouldn’t present itself as much of a problem, I know that Senior Dorado is going to sell these eggs to the highest bidder. This would be very bad as you see… my eggs will hatch into Devil Chicks: tiny fire breathing monsters that will incinerate and devour everything and anything in their path if they’re not returned to me. This would wreak havoc with my public relations. I’ve only recently joined the, as you say, ‘good guys’ and this might well end my career. 

Your friend in chickeny goodness

El Pollo Diablo

Your query has been by Diabliana.

Dear ‘Pollo Diablo’,

This is truly a bizarre problem. On the one hand, you claim this is a legal issue, one that you would like resolved through entirely legal parameters, and yet on the other hand, rather than contacting the police with the information of the burglar, whom you seem very familiar with, you have instead chosen to come to me, ranting about ‘Devil Chickens’ and a fish-themed villain. Frankly I’m not sure whether to ignore this, or forward it to Jimmy; he at least has a history of dealing with evil and villainous fish. 

I suppose you could file an ‘Escape of Bio-Hazardous and/or Demonic Livestock’ form and hand it in to your local super-law enforcement agency, then in the event of a break out of these Devil Chickens you are at least covered from most liability charges. After this, you may wish to begin the process of bringing kidnapping charges against this Senior Dorado; he did after all steal your unborn chicks. Of course that is assuming that you have filled out in full your ‘Possession and/or Creation of Magical Creatures’ appeal. If you haven’t done the paperwork, then there’s precious little I can do.

There is of course the, ahem, ‘extra-legal’ method. Should you, for instance, find out the location of this villains base of operations (at this point I feel it necessary to state on the record, that I am in no way endorsing any extra-legal activities) you may wish to, for instance, steal the chicks back, or possibly steal his own life’s work and hold it to ransom pending the return of the chicks.

Yours,

Diabliana Morningstar

Overqualified for this Job at the Superhero Help Desk

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The Masked Muchacho has sent us the following Issue: Phone booth Problems

Dear Superhero Helpdesk,
My name is the Masked Muchacho and my problem is one of a somewhat embarrassing nature. When crime strikes I, of course, leap into action and find the nearest phone booth so I can change into my superhero costume (Black double breasted leather jacket, black mask with goggles, pinstripe trousers… you didn’t ask but come on, you wanted to know) and kick some evil ass (which is easy as pie, natch). The problem is that, upon arriving back at the phone booth in my battle worn costume, all my clothes have been stolen leaving me with the choice of going home in my tattered, blood stained costume or going home completely starkers. Now I don’t need to tell you guys we wear our masks for a reason so I have every reason to want to keep other parts of my anatomy covered too. PLEASE HELP SHHD!!!!

Yours,
Currently Not Masked Muchacho.

Your query has been answered by Captain Extremo

Dear Mr. Muchacho, 

I can honestly say that it is refreshing to hear that some heroes still abide by the classics “Phone booth Change”. We always hear about expanding costumes that fly out of wrist watches, or holographic civilian clothes. This problem is becoming less and less poignant as the industry evolves. There are however simple solutions to the Phone booth Change. These days it is not uncommon for superheroes to keep several costume changes hidden in ‘safe houses’ around their cities. It is important to make sure that when you retrieve these costumes that, if they know your secret identity, the resident knows that you are coming or if they don’t know your secret identity, that they are not home when to stop by for a quick change of clothes. This can also be useful as it allows you to avail of their facilities. A quick shower never goes amiss when getting ready to return to civilian life for the day!

If the idea of a safe house does not appeal to you, and if you have the budget to spare then it is possible to hire a butler or manservant to keep a close watch on your super activities. That way, if you are ever caught with your pants down, a quick secret signal later should have you in your slacks and ready to hit the town. In fact Lady Fantastic of the Revenge Guard swears by this method. Many times, after we had been forced to engage with a particularity ferocious foe, her butler would arrive at the scene and deliver each of us a fresh pair of civilian clothes and a power bar. It was really helpful after those long haul battles with world shattering villains.

I hope this was helpful,

Jimmy